You Know You're Really Into Reptiles When...




Send us your funny suggestions for how to tell when you’re really into Reptiles!

Send your funny one-liners to reptileeditor@i5publishing.com  

If your submission is printed in the magazine, you will win $50 worth of Rep-Cal products!

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You get frustrated when trying to identify leopard gecko morphs

You extend every “s” word like a snake. “Passsss me the ssssteak, please.

You start dreaming about the up coming reptile expo months ahead of time!

You would rather go to petco than NYC

"Anaconda" is your go-to romantic flick.

Your husband refuses to watch any kind of snake movie with you because you constantly point out everything that's wrong with it.

You plan vacations based on good places to go herping.

You open your freezer to take out dinner and a bag of frozen rats fall out. 

To drink water, you spray it on a houseplant and lick the water droplets.

Your dad turns your broken television into a bearded dragon terrarium!

You can't sleep without the sound of crickets.

You know you’re really into reptiles when you can walk into Petsmart and say “I’ll take the usual today, Dan” and he hands you crickets, superworms, and pinkies and have you ready to check out almost as soon as you walk in.

The best Christmas gift you got was a gift certificate to Rodent Pro.

You don't get sleep at night hoping to see your snake close her cute little eyes.

You find yourself talking to your lizards about your problems.

You walk into Petsmart and they have a bag of crickets ready for you.

You buy a stand that can hold two enclosures to save space.

You find yourself singing "My milksnake brings all the boys to the yard. . . "

You are dismayed when an ad for a "Free Monitor" in the classifieds turns out to be for a computer monitor, NOT a monitor lizard!

You take your grandchildren to the zoo and visit the reptiles and they are disappointed because they could have just gone to your house to see more reptiles.

You use your son's birthday as an excuse to get another snake or lizard "for him."

You are registered at your local reptile store for your wedding gifts.

You get a nervous twitch when someone says "turtles" instead of "tortoises"

You spend Super Bowl Sunday building a new herp enclosure. 

You watch "Snakes on a Plane" and you root for the snakes.

Your teacher picks you out of 60 kids to take care of the class reptiles.

You refuse to marry a guy because he doesn't like your snakes

The school gets you out of class to catch some snakes in the cafeteria.

You base your vacations around where there's good herping

Your summer job is at the zoo

Your herps have their own stockings!

For your sweet sixteen you go to a reptile expo

Your idea of shopping with friends on the weekend is going to a Reptile expo

When you're the only person at the zoo when its snowing because all the animals you want to see are inside

You feel bad for the snakes in Indiana Jones and the  Raiders of the Lost Ark

You're the only kid in your class hiding REPTILES magazine behind your math book 

You have to teach the new cashier at the pet store how to submit quantities of crickets on the register.

You are pulled out of class to open the new Amphibian and Reptile shipment with your Biology teacher.

A 30 minute walk turns into three hours because you made sure you overturned every single rock, log, and leaf that came across your path.

You get disappointed that the show "Lizard Lick Towing" has nothing to do with lizards.

You constantly think " he can be on the next page" when playing reptile rampage.

You cheer on the raptors in Jurassic Park.

You get so overly excited at a reptile show that you are asked to leave.

You have a beware of attack lizard sign above the beware of dog sign.

You get mad at your bearded dragon when he doesn't respond to your question, "kale or collards today?"

You go food shopping at the pet store!

You say you want to be a herpetologist and everyone gives you weird looks.

You said you went herping and people think you said some sort of dirty word.

People post pictures of reptiles on you Facebook page because they know you'll know if its venomous or not.

You get irritated when people call a snake poisonous instead of venomous.

You plan your family vacations around getting to see places like NERD, you have no idea what else is in New Hampshire but that doesn't matter!

You have nightmares about turtles crossing the road.

You discover 20 lizards daily.

You stay up all night to watch your reptiles.

You know more about reptiles than your zoology teacher.

Your reptile collection can be seen from space.

 You have ever wondered which one tastes better forzen thawed or live.

You honestly don't understand why your bearded dragon isn't welcome at the local salad bar.

You are at a police station explaining why you were taking your monitor lizard for a walk.

Someone notices you have dragon breath.

Your kingsnake is in the Guinness Book of World Records.

You spent 10 hours or more looking for your reptile on reptile rampage.

You get mad at your mother when she throws away the rat that died in your wall

You have 40 pillow cases and only four pillows.

You've been sleeping on your living room couch for a month because your bedroom is so full of herps and it's too hot to get any sleep in there anyway.

You can no longer fall asleep on your bed, unless it's covered with aspen shavings.

You honestly don't understand why your Bearded Dragon isn't welcome at the local salad bar.

You get worried because your newborn son or daughter hasn't shed its skin yet.

You've got to shower in the guest bathroom, because the tub in the master bath is filled with aquatic turtles.

You capatilize the "R" in Reptiles.

When people think you want to study herpes.

When you go to your neighbors' house to pick dandelions for your uromastyx.

When you watch Swamp Wars and wish you were in there catching a huge snake or lizards.

You know you're really into reptiles when you're on ReptileChannel all day trying to earn points!

When you rip out the kitchen cabinets to build snake cages.

When you skip a month's rent and then come home with a pair of jaguar carpet pythons.

You and your local pet shop owner have each other on speed dial.

...There's more frozen rodents in your freezer than people food...  (guilty!)

When at school if someone sees a frog, snake, or lizard they send you out of class to go get it.

When your teachers refer to you as the snake girl.

When you watch Swamp Wars and wish you were in there catching a huge snake or lizards.

Every time you pass the container aisle in a store you think "oooooh, the possibilities."

You sssstart to ssstretch out your ssssses when you ssssspeak!

The easiest way to describe the decoration style of your house is, "forest."

Whenever you have a birthday party for your reptiles, you have the best cake in town, big expensive presents, etc.

You tell your reptiles what your day was like this, "Today was a hard day. My boss..." But when you tell your friends about your day it is more like, "It was fine."

You see Nigel Marven on TV, and you scream and shout for joy.

You laugh at a man on TV being scared of an African bullfrog.

"shopping" equals "new pets."

You sleep in the bathroom of your house because the rest of the house is used as a vivarium.

Your dream is to open a reptile spa.

You have a house and an apartment. Your apartment is a few steps away from your house. You live in the apartment because the house is completely full of reptiles.

At least one petstore employee stands at the cricket stand every Saturday at exactly 3 p.m. because they know you're coming.

You bring your mattress into the living room during the summer, because your bedroom can't be air conditioned.

You can't stay out late, because your geckos need feeding, you have to check the temperatures on the incubator, and you have rats thawing on the counter.

You keep mealworm colonies in the cubbard above the stove, instead of spices.

You no longer eat iceberg lettuce because ReptileChannel said it had no nutritional value.

Everytime a friend sees a reptile they always have to tell you about it ... because they thought of you.

You keep a snake bag in your glove compartment ... just in case.

Your $1,200.00 custom reptile enclosure is delivered on the same day you chastise your wife for spending $18.00 on a tube of lipstick and you fail to see the irony in the situation.

You take the day off from work to stay home with a sick kingsnake (at least you think he might be sick), but make your wife drive herself home from the dentist after having two wisdom teeth removed under general anethesia.

At least one of your reptiles has appeared on your family Christmas card in each of the last five years and in one of those years you inadvertently left out one of your children (and less than 10 percent of the recipients even noticed the kid's absence).

You tell your first grader that you don't have time to help him with his math homework because you're secretly trying to recall witty anecdotes to submit to ReptileChannel under the category "You Know You're Really Into Reptiles When..."

You take your wedding photo out of the only 8 x 10 frame you can find and replace it with the print your buddy sent you of you holding your first field herp and think that no one will notice the empty spot over the mantel or the sterling silver picture frame on top of your four foot long snake enclosure.

You are the only person around who wrecks their car to stop fast enough to get a reptile before it gets away.

You hide in your shirt when you get scared.

You have to inform everyone that your email address is not a made up word, or dirty words, but instead the scientific name of an amphibian.

Your online dating ad has so many herp references that you get more offers of free herps to a good home than you do offers for a date.

You get offended when someone is called a "snake in the grass."

Your refrigerator breaks and you go and buy a deep chest freezer the same day for the herp food, but everyone else in the house goes without a refrigerator for a week.

The local pet store employees cower when you walk through the door because they know you'll be very vocal in grading their care standards for the reptiles.

You have to explain to everyone you meet that, "No, my dream job does NOT include studying herpes ... it just sounds similar."

You sleep on the floor so your reptile can sleep on your bed.

You switched to Geico because you like the gecko in the commercial.

You refer to all your pet herps as the "the kids."

You brainwash your little sister to think baby snakes are cuter than kittens.

You want your first home to be filled with herps.

Your mom has given up on you becoming anything other than a herp breeder.

You spoil your snake rotten and take it everywhere when the weather is warm.

You beg your private school, housemates and roommate to let you have a snake, and after much convincing they let you.

Everyone you know is convinced you're building an ark because they think you have two of every reptile that exists.

The bread dough that's supposed to "rise in a warm place" goes under a basking lamp.

You go furniture shopping with your significant other and imagine the possibilities of turning every piece of furniture into a reptile enclosure.

You take a snake hook with you every time you leave the house in hopes of field herping.

You were planning on having steaks for dinner, but find out you mistakenly took two rats out of the freezer to defrost instead.

You walk into the pet store and when you don't head straight for the reptiles your mom thinks you must be sick and tells you to get some rest.

You dedicate time and effort to showering with your reptile and singing to it.

Your local reptile vet has your cell number saved on speed dial to ask you for help.

You pull over to help a turtle cross the road.

You and your friends spend hours comparing and bragging about your snake bites.

You replace all your radiators with heat mats.

You do all of your shopping at the pet store, instead of the mall.

Your REPTILES magazines are so worn out that they are rebound with duct tape.

You buy new mascara and wonder if it will make your eyes look as pretty as the eyes on your leopard gecko.

You have a rat infestation and wonder if pythons or exterminators cost less.

You come home from work and first say hello to your snake, then your spouse.

You go to the zoo and are disappointed when you realize you have not only more snakes than they do, but more exotic ones as well.

You buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend and hide it in one of your snake racks until it's time to pop the question.

You get a stack of home improvement store gift cards for your wedding and you spend them all to get an upright freezer for rodent storage ... and your wife agrees!

You wonder if you and your spouse are het for any cool recessive traits.

Family members start to ask if your wife is gravid yet.

You look at someone's kids and say, "That's a nice clutch."

You open a closet at your house and get buried under an avalanche of newspapers, empty cereal boxes and plastic butter tubs.

The delivery guy doesn't even look at you funny anymore when delivering a 25 pound box of frozen rodents.

You're on vacation with your spouse and in-laws and you spontaneously decide to hit all the reptile shows along the way.

Your wife wants you to build a reptile house to free up space in the people house.

You build a terrarium color-coordinated with the snake that it will house.

You look at a couch in your house and think, "I could put a retic there."

You love to hit the day after Christmas sales for all the half-price Sterilite and Rubbermade containers (you don't care if the lids are red and green, you're going to throw them out anyway).

You stop at the pet store on the way home from the herp show because you haven't had your fill.

Breeders at the herp show tell you you should curb your spending.

You run out of names for your snakes, so you start assigning them numbers.

All you want for christmas is a thermostat.

You prefer going to the pet store over the toy store.

Your parents have conducted toad raids on your bedroom five times this year ... but they still don’t know what’s in your school locker.

You go to the pet store so much that they give you an employee discount.

You don't buy from the pet store anymore, they buy from you.

After your reptile lights go out at night, the whole city gets brighter. Next Page>>

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