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You Know You're Really Into Reptiles When...




Send us your funny suggestions for how to tell when you’re really into Reptiles!

Send your funny one-liners to reptileeditor@i5publishing.com  

RepCal

 

You had 200 dollars from christmas you went to the pet store and now it's gone.

 

Your class is playing a word guessing game and the word frog is on the board and they say your name.

Your kid bursts through the front door, and before he has the chance to yell out, "Can I keep it?!" you say, "Yes, now let me see what you got THIS time!"

You make your own reptile show.

When you go in a room you start flicking your tongue.

Your Income Tax check goes toward crickets, substrate, vivariums, lights and a new tortoise ... and bearded dragon ... and well you get the idea!

Every time a reptile show comes around its time for another "baby."

You really like the sunny spots in forests because reptiles can be found basking there.

The first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night is to check on your reptiles you set aside playtime for your snakes so they can come out of their enclosures and "stretch their legs."

Your swimming pool has no chlorine in it because the frogs don't like it.

The principal at school is always wondering what's in your locker.

You consider reading Reptiles magazine as your daily Bible reading.

You're the only girl on the block who would kiss a prince if she knew he'd turn into a frog.

The UPS delivery worker doesn't look at you funny anymore when he brings you your cricket order.

Your neighbors don't like you because after a few months with you in the neighborhood, their kids' bedrooms are filled with reptile cages.

You have to pull your truck up to the doors of a reptile expo to load all of the reptiles and tanks you bought there.

You're afraid of Teddy Bear Hamsters, but not Burmese Pythons.

You book all the upcoming reptile expos on your calendar, but not dentist appointments.

Even after you downsize your collection, you still have herps who live in the bathroom.

You can recite the genus and species of every reptile you have in your vivarium (and that's a lot).

Your iguana has a bigger bedroom than you do.

On the night of your wedding, you watch Gulf Toads in Amplexus and Blotched Water Snakes on the hunt.

Your wife states you have, "Reptile Dysfunction."

People start calling you the "Crazy Herp Lady."

Your profile picture on Facebook is a reptile.

Your Retic bites you, but you call it a love bite. Your cat bites you, and the cat's gotta go.

You go to the petstore, the employees all say on the intercom, "What you gettin' today?"

You come home smelling like snake musk, bloody, muddy and can still say "it's been a GREAT day."

Your family has to blindfold you when you go for a ride in the car so you don't open the door and jump out because you see a reptile on the side of the road!

When friends walk into your house and say, "It smells like a zoo in here."

Your boss at your pet store tells you to get out of the beardie tanks.

You have a bumper sticker that says, "I Brake for Turtles" and you really do.

When you have more tanks than furniture in your living room.

You almost have the cops called on you because someone said something offensive to you about your pet snake.

You get weird looks in public because you baby talk to your ball python that's wrapped around neck. "I loves my snakey-poo-cuddle-bumpkins ... yes I do!"

Your favorite thing to do when you get home from work is to grab your snake and wrap it around your neck for a relaxing massage.

No road trip is complete without grabbing up the kids -- and by kids, you mean the ones with no legs.

You have had several serious arguments with your mother/ future mother-in-law because you and your fiance INSIST that the snakes be present at the wedding ceremony and reception.

You seriously consider refinancing your mortgage on your house so that you can use the equity to build a reptile house.

You spend over an hour at the local pet store trying to convince a mom that a pet snake would make a billion times better first pet for her son than a _______(fill in the blank).

You grow dandelions instead of grass.

Your garage is filled with breeder racks and your cars stay in the driveway.

Pet stores start paying you for animal advice.

You own all the reptiles the zoo has and more.

All the lights in your house are UV or heat bulbs.

You have memorized the latin names of all the animals you own.

You work to make money for your family and needs.

You only work to make money for the next reptile expo.

It's nearly impossible to see a wild reptile without twitching.

You're coming home from work and say, "Hi baby!" to your bearded dragon, then turn to your spouse and say, "Hey you."

When someone says a frog is a reptile, you say really it's amphibian.

You bring your reptile to the grocery store with you, so he can pick out his favorite vegetables.

You find yourself in the emergency room, clutching a venomous snake in your swollen hand and thinking, "It was worth it!"

Your blood pressure spikes every time someone says snakes are slimy.

You leave the porch lights on specifically just to catch insects for your reptiles.

Your parents have to tell you to quiet down, because you were over exaggerating about your reptile.

You made them their own web page; complete with pictures, videos and an autobiography.

You request a day off from work and the first thing your boss asks you is, "Zoo? Or reptile convention?"

You said, "That's Me!" to all the Reptile One-Liners.

Reptile Shows are like birthdays. You get reptiles and supplies.

Your girlfriend ask why you don't hold her the way you hold your 6 foot red tail.

You drink faucet water while your reptiles get bottled water.

Your dragons' salad mix looks a lot better than yours.

You have more tree parts in your house instead of outside.

You ask you're friend if you can borrow some pillowcases before you go on a trip.

You tell your lil' sister every single reptile one-liner on the ReptileChannel website and you're the only one laughing.

No one leaves their vehicle without first asking, "is it OK to get out," even though you don't have a guard dog.

There is a cricket running around in the classroom and you catch it and store it in your pencil case for your pet lizard. And you tell your fellow classmates "crickets are meant to die" and show them the latest issue of Reptiles magazine that you keep in your desk.

The only reason I work at my local pet shop is because they have reptiles.

You see Monitor for sale in the classified, but then get bummed out when you click on it and it's for a computer.

You haven't taken a bathe in 3 years because your red-eared slider likes the bath tub.

You jump into a creek or mud to catch a frog, no matter what you are wearing or where you are.

You're first on the local reptile stores speed dial list.

You sleep with your favorite stuffed herp at night.

You keep pictures of herps in your wallet.

When you're stressed out, you go directly to your reptiles to vent.

The post office isn't fazed anymore when they call you about a box of crickets they are holding for you.

you are caught searching under couch cushions for coins to roll for money to buy new snakes!

Your mom wakes you up to go to the nail salon and you say you would reather go to the bait shop to get crickets.

You use an under tank heater for back pain.

You keep water turtles in your waterbed.

Your reptile room is bigger than your bedroom.

Your python sleeps in your bed but your wife sleeps on the couch.

Your emerald tree boa thrives in your Christmas tree during the holiday season.

You stop going abroad for holiday because you can't leave your "babies."

Your wife is in the hospital giving birth but you would rather stay home with your reptiles.

You ask for a raise in allowance so that you can afford 100 crickets every week.

You feel the need to scream every time someone says "All snakes are poisonous."

Your ears steam when people are suprised that you're a girl who likes reptiles.

You get up in the middle of the night when you forget to feed the crickets.

People call you when they find a snake in their backyard.

You don't need a guide at the zoo's reptile house because you can identify the species yourself.

You build a house shaped like your gecko, because he was lonely, and 50,000 other geckos weren't enough for him.

You are your friends' walking reptile textbook.

You never burn candles in the reptile room because it ruins the beautiful smell of snake.

Not summer, but winter and spring, are your busiest seasons.

You're the only one who goes "aaaawwww" in your class when they show a picture of a snake.

You spend more time finding warm places for your reptiles than you do lighting candles when the power goes out.

You're the only one who doesn't run away when everyone sees a snake in the yard.

Your teacher gives a lecture on the brain, you hear about the reptilian section, and say to yourself I didn't know I was part reptile.

You jump off a cliff to catch a flying lizard.

You can't see your walls in your house because they're coverd in cages and posters.

When someone looks at you and says when i want to go to a zoo I'll just walk in your room.

You think a romantic day out with your significant other is going to a reptile show.

You have more mice in your freezer than ice cubes.

You know the exact nutritional value of different types of bugs by heart.

Your lizard's cage is bigger than your bedroom.

You will take your reptile to the vet at the slightest hint of a cold, but won't do the same for yourself.

You spend more time at a pet store than your house.

You get weird looks from people when you're walking out of the pet store because you have a sack full of frozen mice.

You spend hours talking to your herp.

You have a closet full of pillow cases, but only one pillow.

You think nothing of moving the bag of feeder rodents to get to the ice cream.

Your reptiles eat more vegetables than you do.

The reptiles in your house outnumber the amount of rooms in your house.

You risk death running across a busy highway to save a turtle from herp doom!

You see something new and you flick your tongue out to smell it.

Instead of calling an exterminator, you give your herps a feast!

You walk into a pet shop for a quick stop and end up staying for an hour looking at herps.

You walk into a pet store to buy dog food and come out with a new snake or lizard.

You begin to think that what you feed your bearded dragon looks appetizing.

You slither around like a snake, everywhere!

Your bookshelf contains at least 95 percent herp books.

You accidentally grab calcium dust instead of creamer for your coffee more than once a week.

You refer to your Jack Russell terrier as a "piebald."

Your camera's memory card is full of reptile pictures.

You spend more money on your reptiles at Christmas than your kids.

You load three cranky kids and a whining husband into the car and drive 20 miles (one way) JUST for reptile food.

You judge bugs by how yummy they look!

Your wedding gift to your spouse was an iguana.

Your grocery cart is full of vegetables and fruits, but none of them are for you.

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